The laughter that keeps on laughing

M&M Genetics

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&M's.; I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

Hacking Shakespeare

You may be familiar with the sets of magnets with various poetic words
on them, suitable for composing poetry on your refrigerator door. It
seems that the idea is generating spinoffs. For Christmas this year I
received two sets of magnets, one of which is a "Shakespeare Love Kit"
with lots of Shakespearean words, and the other an assortment of
computer-related terms and jargon.

Naturally, the two have ended up combined. Here are some of the
resulting compositions that guests and I have left on my refrigerator....

Through infinite myst, software reverberates
In code possess'd of invisible folly.

Wilt thou dare interface
With thy Apple Macintosh keypad
By toggling my tweaky bosom?
Alack!

Leave laserjet laughter to the laptop lover.
Behold beta beauty in a keyboard's keen kindness.

Now yet torment thy melancholy hardware
By always vexing the amorous flame
Of thine model motherboard.

This tyrant widget conceals scuzzy games
And pleasure treasured dear:
Then kiss me.

Celestial evil's idolatrous template within AOL
Will deceive some cybersex users
And email "cancel our service."

Tis a rare tongue
That many maiden bugs command,
Revealing bounteous distress,
Trashing bold memory:
Click and crash gloriously.
Weep not, beauteous Microsoft!
Hereafter reboot.

The Panda Joke

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the
sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands
up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot
my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for
panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

The Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the
second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks
nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other
club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a
lucky frog, eh?"

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you
think frog?" the man asks.

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled
and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I
should bet?"

Now, this is a 35-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man
figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the
table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,"Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all
the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl."