M&M Genetics

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.  To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters.  That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately.  The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior.  I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest.  Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength.  In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd.  Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&M's.; I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament.  From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.


One Liners

You're Hooked on the internet if...

  • You think "surfing" is something you do on dry land.
  • You find yourself staring at your "inbox" waiting for new e-mail to arrive.
  • You communicate with peopel on other continents more than you do with your own neighbors.
  • You dream about creating the world's greatest web site. (haven't I? :))
  • You start using smileys in your snail mail.
  • You cut classes or miss work soyou can stay home and browse the web.
  • You get up before the sun rises to check your e-mail, and you find yourself in the very same chair long after the sun has set.
  • You're constantly yelling at your roommate for using the phone for stupid talking.
  • You think more about being online than about sex.
  • Your computer costs more than your car.
  • Your roommate melts your keyboard in the oven.

Pickup Lines!

"No wonder the sky is gray today, all the blue is in your eyes."

"If I could but live as one of your tears- to be born of your eyes, to live
on your cheek, and to die on your lips."

To a beautiful friend: "You know... if we were strangers I would fall in

"I'm sorry, I'm new in town...
Could you please give me directions to your place."

"If I was in charge of organizing the alphabet, I'd put "U" and "I" next to
each other."

Excuse me maam, I seem to have lost my phone number. May I borrow

"Did it hurt?"
"When you fell from heaven."

"Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway."

"Do you believe in Love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?"

I miss my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?

"Excuse me, haven't we met before in one of my sexual fantasies?"

Hi! Its so nice to see you since my wonderful dream last night!

Excuse me, I didn't recognize you with all your clothes on!

"You look just like my fourth husband."
"Fourth? How many times have you been married?"

Hacking Shakespeare

You may be familiar with the sets of magnets with various poetic words
on them, suitable for composing poetry on your refrigerator door. It
seems that the idea is generating spinoffs. For Christmas this year I
received two sets of magnets, one of which is a "Shakespeare Love Kit"
with lots of Shakespearean words, and the other an assortment of
computer-related terms and jargon.

Naturally, the two have ended up combined. Here are some of the
resulting compositions that guests and I have left on my refrigerator....

Through infinite myst, software reverberates
In code possess'd of invisible folly.

Wilt thou dare interface
With thy Apple Macintosh keypad
By toggling my tweaky bosom?

Leave laserjet laughter to the laptop lover.
Behold beta beauty in a keyboard's keen kindness.

Now yet torment thy melancholy hardware
By always vexing the amorous flame
Of thine model motherboard.

This tyrant widget conceals scuzzy games
And pleasure treasured dear:
Then kiss me.

Celestial evil's idolatrous template within AOL
Will deceive some cybersex users
And email "cancel our service."

Tis a rare tongue
That many maiden bugs command,
Revealing bounteous distress,
Trashing bold memory:
Click and crash gloriously.
Weep not, beauteous Microsoft!
Hereafter reboot.

The Panda Joke

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the
sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands
up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot
my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for
panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

The Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the
second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks
nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other
club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a
lucky frog, eh?"

The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you
think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled
and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I
should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a 35-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man
figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the
table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,"Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all
the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl."

And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

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