Whenever I get a
package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of
the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them
together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and
I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue
ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race
cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter
than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare
occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to
adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the
herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an
envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ
17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of
plain M&M's.; I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend
for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True
There can be only one.
One LinersDon't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 4
friends. If they're OK, you're it.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence
Law of Probability Disperal: Whatever it is that hits the fan
will not be evenly distributed.
Supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
C Program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Learn from your parent's mistakes - use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts fre?
Assassins do it from behind.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Oops. My brain jus thit a bad sector.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question.
"Yes" is the answer.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget
where you live.
Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.
Contents may have settled out of court.
Bacon&Eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.
Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
After four decimal places... nobody cares.
A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.
Support the right to arm bears.
Make your speech interesting, say:
I stand here before you to look behind you to tell you of something I know nothing about.
My life has a supurb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
Where theres a will, theres a lawsuit.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
You're Hooked on the internet if...
You find yourself staring at your "inbox" waiting for new
e-mail to arrive.
You communicate with peopel on other continents more than you do with
your own neighbors.
You dream about creating the world's greatest web site. (haven't I?
You start using smileys in your snail mail.
You cut classes or miss work soyou can stay home and browse the web.
You get up before the sun rises to check your e-mail, and you find
yourself in the very same chair long after the sun has set.
You're constantly yelling at your roommate for using the phone for
stupid things...like talking.
You think more about being online than about sex.
Your computer costs more than your car.
Your roommate melts your keyboard in the oven.
- You think "surfing" is something you do on dry land.
"No wonder the sky is gray today, all the blue is in your eyes."
"If I could but live as one of your tears- to be born of your eyes, to live
on your cheek, and to die on your lips."
To a beautiful friend: "You know... if we were strangers I would fall in
"I'm sorry, I'm new in town...
Could you please give me directions to your place."
"If I was in charge of organizing the alphabet, I'd put "U" and
"I" next to
Excuse me maam, I seem to have lost my phone number. May I borrow
"Did it hurt?"
"When you fell from heaven."
"Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway."
"Do you believe in Love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?"
I miss my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?
"Excuse me, haven't we met before in one of my sexual fantasies?"
Hi! Its so nice to see you since my wonderful dream last night!
Excuse me, I didn't recognize you with all your clothes on!
"You look just like my fourth husband."
"Fourth? How many times have you been married?"
You may be familiar with the sets of magnets with various poetic words
on them, suitable for composing poetry on your refrigerator door. It
seems that the idea is generating spinoffs. For Christmas this year I
received two sets of magnets, one of which is a "Shakespeare Love Kit"
with lots of Shakespearean words, and the other an assortment of
computer-related terms and jargon.
Naturally, the two have ended up combined. Here are some of the
resulting compositions that guests and I have left on my refrigerator....
Through infinite myst, software reverberates
In code possess'd of invisible folly.
Wilt thou dare interface
With thy Apple Macintosh keypad
By toggling my tweaky bosom?
Leave laserjet laughter to the laptop lover.
Behold beta beauty in a keyboard's keen kindness.
Now yet torment thy melancholy hardware
By always vexing the amorous flame
Of thine model motherboard.
This tyrant widget conceals scuzzy games
And pleasure treasured dear:
Then kiss me.
Celestial evil's idolatrous template within AOL
Will deceive some cybersex users
And email "cancel our service."
Tis a rare tongue
That many maiden bugs command,
Revealing bounteous distress,
Trashing bold memory:
Click and crash gloriously.
Weep not, beauteous Microsoft!
The Panda Joke
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the
sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands
up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot
my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for
panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
The Lucky Frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the
second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks
nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other
club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a
lucky frog, eh?"
The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you
think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled
and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I
The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a 35-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man
figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the
table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,"Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all
the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl."
And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
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